What ya gonna do?

There comes a point in life where you just stop and realize that no matter what has happened: it’s done. There’s nothing you can do to change it, the only thing productive you can do with the past is to make sure you remember it in reality.
As women, we have a tendency to either sugar coat or cover in mud the things we talk about, especially when it comes to our own lives. My goal for myself over the next year is to deal with things solely in reality. To work on reading things exactly as they are meant, and not adding or taking away from conversations, situations, or relationships more or less than what they actually are. I have finally realized by adding or taking away from things creates in us a spirit of bitterness or over expectancy for people and relationships, and I for one have experienced both of those feelings as I’ve used my past as a crutch to deal with my future. And when you’ve grown up feeling like you’ve never been good enough to love, you have to go far back to figure out where exactly the root of the problem is, and how it has affected relationships thus far; and how to stop the cycle of insane and destructive behavior. As much as I can, I’m going to relive the past, and for the first time in my life attempt to look at it objectively and record what really happened, not just what in moments of passion, or disappointment I remember.
My heart’s desire has always been to be a wife & a mother. I have been told on numerous occasions that I’d be terrible at both, but all I know is that God has called me to love in only a way a mother can, and this holy and anointed longing for a family has been used and abused so many times throughout my life; as I have perfected the art of sowing impatience and reaped wildly the fruits of those choices. My biggest fear in life is being alone; of never finding anyone who can look at me consistently from day to day for the rest of my life and be able to look me in the eyes and say “Charley, you aren’t perfect, but I love you more than life itself” As I have gone through years worth’s of relationships sugar coating things to be able to tolerate living in the crap I was in justifying other peoples actions because I didn’t think I deserved very much, I now realize all I did was hurt myself & create doubt and fear in my life when God was trying his best to love me, and I didn’t even know how to accept the only love that really matter, the love of a Savior.
As I venture through each of some of my most memorable relationships, my goal is to pin point specific things I never want my future daughter to live through; or my future son to have a part in. Each day, I plan on prayerfully delving into my past with a guarded heart to dissect what exactly is wrong with me. Why I allow things into my life, and what my advice has been from some of my closest friends, and scriptures that reference the behavior and or situation.

I'd much rather be fishing ...

I will apologize in advance for the sheer randomness of this post, my head is literally spinning because I haven't written in so long just being able to sit for a few minutes and unleash all the madness in my crazy head is very refreshing (although a little confusing to read)

Well, It looks like I will be taking GACE content exam in Middle Grades Math, on October 15th, so I can try to qualify for a 6th grade math position. Which I think will be lots of fun! ((PRAY))

I'm really hoping it all works out, I know my life right now feels somewhat at peace, I'm slowly learning to be content in all situations, and for me and my imperfect and impatient self, that's really very hard. And I've always heard there is calm before the storm, so I'm sort of bracing myself for whatever impact may be coming ...

I've started having the greatest desire to tell everyone about Cannon Community, where I served in Haiti this summer, my goal is to help them in any way I can to become self sufficient. Which at this point basically means getting them the financial help they need to purchase building supplies for a chicken coop. Which here seems something trivial, in Haiti it will make a world of difference!

I have also come to the conclusion that as much as I want to be a wife and mother, that it isn't a right, it's a priviledge; and it may not be something that God grants me in this lifetime. Slowly letting go of that selfish desire is probably one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life. Especially when my heart's desire has always been to be a wife and mother. I realized in Haiti this summer, that  I can love like a mother and never have children of my own. 


Well, that's all for today. 
-Char