Friendship

Today was one of those days that I just needed my best friend. That one person I can count on no matter what. Who has committed to be there through the thick and thin. To be my word of encouragement, shoulder to cry on, and dose of reality when needed. I was blessed with a very large and loving family, but I have only a handful of true friends that I know will be here for me no matter what situation may arise. In a strange way all of my best friends came out of some of the worst situations that have occurred in my life...guess the cream will always rise to the top. Britt is that person for me. The one person, I believe knows my heart sometimes better than I do. She has stood by me, stood up for me, and sometimes even carried me through days like today. When I am to a point I honestly want to give up on letting anyone else into my life. Friend or otherwise. People just never cease to amaze me...If it weren't for her, there's a good chance I would honestly believe that everyone that walked into my life that wasn't related to me would leave. Take what they needed/wanted whether it be emotional or physical...and when they didn't need me anymore just walk away...like there was never a friendship, never a vulnerability, never a connection at all. Then I'm reminded of my daddy's favorite saying, " well, what's the common denominator?..." - and the answer is always ME ... and right now I am angry, I am hurt, and I am mad...and that's okay, but I hope I never understand that part of people that can just walk away, I hope that every time someone walks into my life I can still have the courage to give them part of who I am, even when I know they will walk away...because at the end of this life, I don't want look back and see that I had let my past hurts get in the way of any new friendship, that I gave my all to people, that maybe, just maybe those hours, or days, or months that I got to spend with everyone that walked into my life; maybe I meant something to them, maybe I helped just a little bring back something in their life they'd been missing. Maybe I showed them something about themselves they'd forgotten was there. Maybe I showed them a little bit about what love looks like. And who knows, maybe one day as my Papa says, "I will have enough true friends to carry my casket" ... but until that day comes, I will hold tight to the ones who are here, I will love them with all I am, and will forgive the hurt that is caused by those who chose to walk out of my life, because in the grand scheme of things, I know I am loved with an "everlasting love;
I [was] drawn you with unfailing kindness." - Jeremiah 31:3

Coleman

So, I've fallen in love with a cat that has taken up at the house. The first time i saw him he was sleeping on top of the ice chest (hence, Coleman) He's seriously the meanest cat on the planet. He loves on me & wants to snuggle until he's through with me. :) He loves to play in the pine straw and bite toes. As much as I know it's completely messed up that I love my two hours I spend just sitting on the porch waiting for a four legged mean animal to want to sit in my lap an purr for just a few minutes. I adore those moments. Sitting in the dark in the rocking chair, just thinking about life. It's funny how it sometimes takes a completely random, mean cat to get you to stop & just enjoy the quiet.
Those moments, I am still & I know He is God. And He has all the chaos in my life figured out. And until he lets me know what the plans are, I'll continue to soak up the crazy moments with Coleman. :)

Just Visiting ...

It's been a day! :)

I had an amazing day today, I started my day off with a great visit to the doctor's office for a biometeric screening .... (I didn't allow myself time to blog this morning * gotta get better at this time management thing!) ... then spent the day in Downtown Moultrie, GA visiting with some of my favorite shop owners, got all my paperwork situated at MTC so I can start classes in August, ate lunch with my Mom, and shelled peas with my Memaw...and accomplished losing two separate games of Words with Friends...yes, I am that terrible at it! With the chance to be in the quiet car for 20-30 minutes at the time alone, I have had a lot of time to think today.

Yes, I struggle ....

I can tell a big difference in my life after just a few days of making the Word and time spent in prayer a priority, and not just something I would do when I could get around to it. I see little "God" things throughout the day... I'm generally a happier person ... BUT

I know I have a target on my back, because when Satan sees you growing in your faith, he will target your weakness, the blessings God bestows on you, he tries to turn into a stumbling block ... and I can see that a little in my heart right now. Being emotionally involved in people is something I am good at, I can pour myself into people, and in the past that has hurt me, it's one of my biggest weaknesses & strengths .... God has sent an amazing friend in my life who has shown me that there are still Godly, good, sweet people in this world who don't have ulterior motives for their friendship (the fact that he's a Man, makes that a miracle!) . As much as this friendship has been a Godsend and an indescribable blessing...Satan has attacked my heart so much the past few days, throwing darts of worry, bitterness of old friendships that have fallen apart, questions about whether I could have deeper feelings that friendship...I'm just struggling with how to be the friend I need to be without becoming too emotionally tangled up, because as much as he has every quality I've ever asked for in a husband, I know he is my friend and that is all he needs to be. And my impatient, selfish flesh being attacked by Satan wishes that all my dreams have come true, but I know my heart, I know my place as God's daughter, I know my place as a friend, and I know I haven't received conformation that he is the man I need to date. And I will not allow my impatience to ruin any other aspect of my life. ((yes, I have asked for God to make specific things happen for me to know when and who I will date, see Isiah 7:11)

1 John 1:3

"that which we have seen and heard we declare to you, that you also may have fellowship with us; and truly our fellowship is with the Father and with His Son Jesus Christ."

* My job as a disciple of Christ is to tell people about what He's done in my life! To want others to fellowship with me in His Glory! Because where two or more are gathered HE will be in our midst.

My Prayer for Today

Dear Lord,

Today, I come to you in Jesus name, thanking you for saving me, for giving me great things to tell others about. Thank you for giving me the desire to want to fellowship with fellow Christians, I pray that you will help me as I try to find a church home where my spiritual talents can flourish for you, and I can worship you uninhibited, and in the presence of people who love you! Thank you for ****, and what his friendship has taught me about your love. The consistency and grace that he exhibits is because of his love for you. Thank you for using him to encourage me in my faith. I pray in your Son's name, that you will look after my Future Husband, bring revival to his soul, to his family, give him the desires of YOUR heart. Guard his heart against the Evil one, please remove any emotional entanglements in his life, that he may fall more in love with you.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

June 7 - AM Unplugged ...

UnPlugged!

Today is going to be a strange day ... I left the only wall charger that is still intact and working to my phone at my grandparents' last night ... My mind is reeling ( which reminds me, I really want to go fishing ) - so I will start off today sharing my quiet time with you all, and letting you know what all I would like to accomplish today... and without Words With Friends & Scrambble with Friends, I may actually get all this done! :) 1. start supper 2. get all the laundry finished up 3. get all the stuff from my car out of the kitchen ( I cleaned the Yuki out yesterday) 4. get my recliner upstairs 5. get all the bathrooms clean.

1 John 1:2

What I have grown to love about John is how simply he speaks, although it's difficult to take his writings verse by verse sometimes. To know that we have to words of one of Jesus' best friends about his life, who he was, that's pretty amazing....makes me think: if I were going to have someone tell my story, who would it be? my family...my friends...my coworkers, would all their stories line up as well as the inspired writers of the Bible? I love words, when I read something I think is important, I like to find out exactly what the words mean, how they were meant in the context, and how I can apply it to my life....so bear with me as I continue to dissect 1 John 1:2 :

"(for the Life was manifested, and we have seen it, and bear witness, and show unto you that Eternal Life, which was with the Father and was manifested unto us)"

- The Life - Jesus, Salvation through Jesus - manifested - verb (past tense): to exhibit, or make plain - bear: (verb) bring, endure, give birth -witness (verb) : testify, authenticate, tell the truth of something -show (verb): to actively exhibit something - Eternal Life: Jesus, the son of the trinity -The Father: God, the father of the trinity

Jesus was made plain to the disciples, they endured to testify and tell the truth of who He was. To actively exhibit His Love, His Grace, His Plan for salvation. This too is our job, as his followers.

As I go throughout my day, how can I "actively exhibit" Christ's Love in my life for the world to see?

Prayer for Today

Dear Lord,

Thank you for your Son, and allowing him to lay his life down for my sins, so that I could have a relationship with you. I know if I had been in charge of the redemption process we would all be toast. I will never understand how you allowed men to hurt your Son, to save me. Thank you for your Word, and having men like John write it plainly so someone as simple as myself could attempt to understand your Love. I know I fail miserably in being holy, because it's not my job. But I do know, I am wholly Yours, I am forgiven, I am made whole by only Your love. And Lord, I pray you will give my future husband the clarity of mind to know that the main thing is, that I am yours. I may not be what he thought his perfect wife would be, but God let him know you made me just for him. Let him fall more deeply in love with who You are, so that you can lead his heart to mine.

June 6, 2012

I apologize in advance for the length of this post ... 


I have begun a journey as a challenge to myself...to pray daily and fervently for my future husband. 
I know what you may be thinking ... let and let God bring you the perfect guy... you'll never find a guy if you don't date ... when you stop looking and are happy with you, God will send you someone .... 


Yes, all of that may be true, but see the thing is, I am finally letting go, I'm finally okay with dating, I am finally happy with who God created me to be, and for the first time I see glimpses of that woman everyday; but as a friend told me a few nights ago, "there is power in prayer that is pure" - so I will strive, with a pure heart, to pray for the man I know God has created for me. . . and encourage you to do the same if you're single, or for your daughters, sons, and even for me. . . because he is out there, I may have seen him, I may have talked to him, but from this day forward, I will know that is covered in the cloak of prayer as I strive to become a "virtuous woman, whose price is far above rubies" ; because until I am the woman God needs me to be to serve standing beside a man as his helpmate; I don't deserve the kind of man I need to stand by me. 


This is not a pursuit of obsession, I have a million other things to do with my day as I enter into this Summer, starting a in depth study of 1 John, practicing my Proverbs 31 skills taking over more of the household responsibilities around the house ( I have come to LOVE doing laundry), cultivating new friendships (that's a story in and of itself), and diving into the Word and into prayer as I try to find what church body I need to call "home". All of which I'm sure I will be writing about. 


So, here it goes... 
1 John 1:1 "That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon, and our hands have handled, of the Word of Life." 
- The teacher in me is SCREAMING as I read this! All the great verbs (action words) for what we do/have done with the Word of Life .... Heard, Seen, Looked upon, Handled .... am I doing this everyday???  I hear the word, but am I LISTENING? .... i see it everyday, but am I LOOKING? ... I handle it, but am I USING it?? 




Dear Lord,
I come to you today, thankful, content, and happy.  
I know in my heart that you alone can fill every desire of my heart, that until YOU are the love of my Eternity; I will not be ready for the Love of my Life. I pray that whomever this man is that he will fall in love with you, that if he hasn't come to know you as his Savior, that you will clear away any obstacles in his mind and heart, and he will have an unshaking desire to know you! that he will have a desire to read and know your Word, and that those words will transform his heart. And if he is already one of your children, I pray that revival will come into his heart and life, that today you will send your Spirit to touch him in amazing way, that you will give him the desire to serve You alone, so You can prepare his heart to love me. Give him strength, courage, and protection as we actively wait on Your timing to begin our life serving you together. 
In Your Son's Precious and HOLY name I pray, 
AMEN 


.... see you tomorrow guys! I promise it will be shorter! :) 

What ya gonna do?

There comes a point in life where you just stop and realize that no matter what has happened: it’s done. There’s nothing you can do to change it, the only thing productive you can do with the past is to make sure you remember it in reality.
As women, we have a tendency to either sugar coat or cover in mud the things we talk about, especially when it comes to our own lives. My goal for myself over the next year is to deal with things solely in reality. To work on reading things exactly as they are meant, and not adding or taking away from conversations, situations, or relationships more or less than what they actually are. I have finally realized by adding or taking away from things creates in us a spirit of bitterness or over expectancy for people and relationships, and I for one have experienced both of those feelings as I’ve used my past as a crutch to deal with my future. And when you’ve grown up feeling like you’ve never been good enough to love, you have to go far back to figure out where exactly the root of the problem is, and how it has affected relationships thus far; and how to stop the cycle of insane and destructive behavior. As much as I can, I’m going to relive the past, and for the first time in my life attempt to look at it objectively and record what really happened, not just what in moments of passion, or disappointment I remember.
My heart’s desire has always been to be a wife & a mother. I have been told on numerous occasions that I’d be terrible at both, but all I know is that God has called me to love in only a way a mother can, and this holy and anointed longing for a family has been used and abused so many times throughout my life; as I have perfected the art of sowing impatience and reaped wildly the fruits of those choices. My biggest fear in life is being alone; of never finding anyone who can look at me consistently from day to day for the rest of my life and be able to look me in the eyes and say “Charley, you aren’t perfect, but I love you more than life itself” As I have gone through years worth’s of relationships sugar coating things to be able to tolerate living in the crap I was in justifying other peoples actions because I didn’t think I deserved very much, I now realize all I did was hurt myself & create doubt and fear in my life when God was trying his best to love me, and I didn’t even know how to accept the only love that really matter, the love of a Savior.
As I venture through each of some of my most memorable relationships, my goal is to pin point specific things I never want my future daughter to live through; or my future son to have a part in. Each day, I plan on prayerfully delving into my past with a guarded heart to dissect what exactly is wrong with me. Why I allow things into my life, and what my advice has been from some of my closest friends, and scriptures that reference the behavior and or situation.

I'd much rather be fishing ...

I will apologize in advance for the sheer randomness of this post, my head is literally spinning because I haven't written in so long just being able to sit for a few minutes and unleash all the madness in my crazy head is very refreshing (although a little confusing to read)

Well, It looks like I will be taking GACE content exam in Middle Grades Math, on October 15th, so I can try to qualify for a 6th grade math position. Which I think will be lots of fun! ((PRAY))

I'm really hoping it all works out, I know my life right now feels somewhat at peace, I'm slowly learning to be content in all situations, and for me and my imperfect and impatient self, that's really very hard. And I've always heard there is calm before the storm, so I'm sort of bracing myself for whatever impact may be coming ...

I've started having the greatest desire to tell everyone about Cannon Community, where I served in Haiti this summer, my goal is to help them in any way I can to become self sufficient. Which at this point basically means getting them the financial help they need to purchase building supplies for a chicken coop. Which here seems something trivial, in Haiti it will make a world of difference!

I have also come to the conclusion that as much as I want to be a wife and mother, that it isn't a right, it's a priviledge; and it may not be something that God grants me in this lifetime. Slowly letting go of that selfish desire is probably one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life. Especially when my heart's desire has always been to be a wife and mother. I realized in Haiti this summer, that  I can love like a mother and never have children of my own. 


Well, that's all for today. 
-Char