Wait ...

The longer I live, the more I realize I am probably one of the most impatient people I know.

As of now, I'm 24, made some of the stupidest mistakes a girl can make...and am now reaping the fruits of my labor....God is definitely having to teach me the hard way to fully rely on him, and that straying from HIS will, will leave you heartbroken, broke, and shattered with no sense of direction, my hope is that by reading this, you will NOT make the same mistakes I have. that you will "Wait on the Lord" because he will "strengthen your heart. WAIT, I say on the LORD!!" - Psalm 27:14

A little background on me to understand where I'm coming from, I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior when I was 7 years old. I grew up in a home where we attended church when the doors were open...and I knew my sister and I both were loved, would always be cared for, and for the most part had a normal and loving childhood. I never lacked anything I needed, and for the most part worked for everything I wanted; I was very active in 4H & FFA, showed livestock *sheep, hogs, cows*, gave some pretty awesome DPA speeches, and judged everything from poultry to livestock to consumer products, and always found a way to take care of everyone around me... I have a Bachelor's Degree in Early Childhood Education (TU class of 2009...go NIGHTHAWKS!), I have always been very self motivated when it came to the work aspect of my life, and have busted my rear since I was a kid to make sure I had an education that could "get me somewhere" as everyone use to say ... this is really the only aspect of my life I could say was half way successful until the past few years, I graduated the top of my class, have always had a desire to teach, and after college could not find a job...and to this day haven't been able to obtain a teaching position.... God has really opened my eyes to show me how prideful I had become about my education. "I" paid for it. "I" earned it. "I" deserve a job....when I should have always just been thankful for the opportunities he presented and provided for me to accomplish this dream. HE opened the doors so I could go to school close to home, HE allowed for people to generously select me for scholarship money. HE literally had his hand on me when I should have died my junior year of College...I know HE has a plan for me. *Jeremiah 29:11-13

The other aspects of my life, I have sown very carelessly some pretty terrible seed I have and will have to continue to reap the fruits of those decisions...I have not exactly been in God's will in my dating life and the kind of friendships I've allowed in my life have not always been up to par. I have entered into emotionally and physically abusive relationships and stayed in them, because I am to the core a "people pleaser" and for a very long time could only see the people I loved as who they could be, their potential to be great men, I had the very messed up notion that I could change someone so they could have the capability to be Godly men, love me, and have a desire to provide as a man should.... turns out, I am definitely not God, and that was HIS job! I have had to suffer through realizing I will never be able to give the man God created to be my husband the ONE wedding gift HE sanctified and blessed because I willingly gave it to a man who never loved me when I was 18 years old, and because of that, I devalued who I was and the importance of purity which made giving into temptation so much easier when that relationship failed.

Through much prayer, I now realize that God can forgive any sin, and although I can't give my future husband my virginity on my wedding night, I will be able to give him a wife that Loves the Lord with all her scarred up heart. But I can say this, I pray that if you are reading this, and have made the decision to stay pure until your marriage night, PLEASE keep that commitment to Christ, your future spouse, and yourself. I promise you, you will regret it if you don't. It's an indescribable pain once you realize that you have given away something that was never yours to start with, something you can never get back, and can never duplicate.

I also live every day knowing (although no longer dwell) that my first child is in heaven, because I miscarried after a wreck leaving my ex's house after a fight, and then struggled with the thought of ending my life because I felt like I didn't deserve to live because I had allowed myself to enter into and stay in a physically abusive relationship, finally had the courage to end it, and then found out I would be having his child; and did not have to courage to tell ANYONE until years after the whole incident was over... thankfully my guardian angel took the form of my Daddy ... My Daddy is truly my lifesaver, the morning after I miscarried, at home, without telling anyone what happened, I seriously contemplated ending my life. I had already written a note to my family, and had a handful of painkillers and muscle relaxers that were prescribed to me after my wreck. My parents both worked, Dad in Quitman (45mins away), Mom in Moultrie(20mins away)...to understand how God used my Dad to save my life, you first have to know that My Daddy is the hardest working man on the planet, and has, in my lifetime, taken maybe 5 days off work...and most of them were because he was too sick to go in....at around 11:00 the morning after my miscarriage, I finally made the decision that I would end my life; I hear someone pull into our driveway; open the door and walk up the stairs. My Daddy, a man who had never taken a day off of work, sits on my bed, says," I just came home to check on you, I love you, I'm gonna go cut grass..." and walks out of the room....I knew God had bigger plans for me. My life wasn't over, and I flushed every pill with my name on it down the toilet. Before or since my miscarriage, I had never contemplated suicide,but realize now that there is a breaking point for everyone. That there is a point you can get to where you feel helpless, unloveable, guilty, and bitter enough to want to end your life. And I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, if it hadn't been for my relationship with Christ, parents who diligently prayed for me, and my Daddy who for some reason came home early that day... August 2008, would have been the last date on my headstone.

As the years have passed, my heart has been broken numerous times, job doors have been slammed in my face, people have walked out of my life, and I have finally come to the point where I know this life is NOT mine to live, and well, to be honest living it my way has pretty much ruined it.

As I finally relinquish the hold I've had on my life, I realize it's okay to want a job I'll love... It's okay to desire a Godly man that will love me... BUT i MUST remain in God's will, and as I seek HIS will as new adventures begin, I will take everyday as a new challenge to walk closer to Him, so knowing His will, will be easier...

I have had a friend text me and ask me about taking a position in Athens, GA doing something I ADORE doing, and living in a town I LOVE.... I have begun praying about it, and hope to figure out if that is where I need to be....

Love Always,

Char